Every day I strive to be the best mother I can be. Most days it isn’t easy. As a matter of fact most days are hard. But that doesn’t mean I don’t love my children. I am human, just like the next person. I have my days. I am no where near perfect but I continue to try. I continue to push through the mud, hoping that better days will come.
How do you become the best mom to your little ones, when you didn’t have any one to model motherhood growing up? You have a mom who died from drug addiction, who left you with an aunt who was stuck in an abusive relationship, fighting her own demons. Leaving you to fend for yourself. How do you learn to give love, when you didn’t receive love? how do you unlearn bad behavior and model “normal”?
I mean for me, I am in the stage of unpacking my childhood trauma, I am trying to make sense of the past. I am trying to make sense of my present! How my past is impacting my present, how it has impacted the way I parent. I am trying to figure out what a mother is, what does that look like for my children. I am also trying to figure out what it means to be a First Nations mother, and how do I incorporate that into my parenting. How can I allow our culture to be apart of our lives without knowing anything about it? And why does that trigger me? why is it confusing?
This is so complex, you can’t speak on one thing without it impacting another; I am just trying to make sense of it all. There is so many layers to this and there truly isn’t a one size fits all. I just have to keep pushing through and hope that I am doing something right. Hope that I am not continuing the cycle of dysfunction.
Every day is a learning experience, every day is a chance to change, and create something wonderful! But parenting is hard; it is overwhelming and I would even go as far as to say traumatic. But that doesn’t mean I don’t love these tiny humans; it actually says that I love them enough to unpack everything so they don’t need to carry that burden.
Parenting is fucking hard, it’s just fucking hard. There is nothing easy about it. There is nothing and I mean NOTHING that can prepare you for the amount of mental wars you will be fighting. When you come from a dysfunctional childhood it makes it that much harder. Not only are you fighting to overcome childhood trauma so you are not passing anything on to them, but you are also fighting society to believe you that you love your children on the worst days!
My biggest fear, in parenting is that the person standing next to me will be able to read my thoughts and judge, judge me hard. Parenting is a blessing that many don’t get to experience. How dare I struggle with it! I don’t want to keep it in, I don’t want to be ashamed of the not so pretty days that come with parenting. I am not talking about the kids throwing tantrums or constantly fighting with each other (that is another post on it’s own). I am talking about the days where I combine my past with present and can’t separate the two. I am talking about the days where I can’t tell what’s real and what’s fake, what is being triggered by my past and what is reality.
I had this fear, that every time I have come across something difficult in parenting, the fear was that I was the only one to ever go through it, the only one to be struggling with such intrusive thoughts, and that is not the case. It can’t be the case. The world is full of mothers, full of mothers, who like myself, are parenting while having a history of childhood trauma.
I want to get to a point where mother’s like myself, feel safe to talk about how the events from their childhood impact the way they parent and not live in fear of being judged or worse have their children removed. In a world of so many, I can’t be the only one who thinks like this, who struggles with this. My hopes with this blog is to create that space where mother’s feel safe and heard and by doing so I must tell my story. I must be open and raw!