Not tonight

I want to cry. I want to scream. Possibly even rip my hair out. I have done everything in my power to make sure my child gets enough sleep. I just don’t understand. I am at a loss for words. I read, I cuddle, I give hugs, I talk and I even yell. Yell because I am done. Done doing the same thing every night. The same battle day after day. I just don’t know what to do anymore at this point. I try my best to keep the bed time routine consistent. Nothing seems to work. When she isn’t getting to sleep on time she will wake up cranky, which turns into a bad day at school. Full of melt downs and tantrums. Which then turns into me recieving an email from the teacher. This is a cycle. At times, a never ending cycle. As a mom I feel defeated. I feel done.

How do you give your baby the much needed attention she deserves, all while still finding the energy to get everything done and prepped for the next day ahead? The world doesn’t slow down because your baby can’t fall asleep. The world doesn’t pause so you can have time to figure out your baby girls’ sleep schedule. She is 5 years old. 5 year olds should be able to go to sleep without an issue. Nope, not this angel. Not my girl. Not this little one who shows signs of anxiety. Can you blame her? I mean look at who she has for a mother! Me. The one who overthinks, over analyzes, under sleeps because I myself can’t fall asleep because I am too busy worrying. Worrying about not being able to spend enough time with my kids, always working, always prepping, always planning for the next; and for what? Just to do what I can, so I can spend more time with my kids! Oh the irony in it all. How could I possibly be mad at this little angel when she has me for a mother? I decided to throw in the towel for tonight. I decided not to fight fire with fire. Obviously her crying in her room and me crying in mine wasn’t working. Someone in this situation needed to be the parent, and there was no way I can ask my baby to carry the weight on this. We were both just done. I went into her room and turned on the light, sat on her bed, wiped the tears from her eyes and told her I love her. All while thinking tomorrow will be better. Tomorrow I will do things differently. I will be the mom who is more attentive, the mom who has the energy and patience to deal with this.