First born

I didn’t give you the gift of life ~ life gave me the gift of you

I am so glad that my first born is a boy. He is teaching me so much about myself that I never knew. You know that saying: ” The creator doesn’t give you what you want, he gives you what you need”. If your relationship with men needs help, the creator will send you a boy. If your relationship with women needs help, the creator will send you a girl. My mom was in and out of my life and even though she wasn’t there as much we I would like she was there more than my father. So you can say that my relationship with men needed more tending to than women. A father is suppose to be the one to pave the way for all men in how they treat you, my father wasn’t there so I took it as he didn’t love or want me. That allowed me to think that it was ok for all men to treat me as if they didn’t want me! so, my relationship with men was more damaged than I thought. Therefore, the creator gave me a boy. So I can fix that relationship (which as a kids I had a “I don’t need no man, I can do this all by myself” mentality!) I didn’t know it at the time, but Elio was and is exactly what I need.

I always said that I never wanted to have kids; but the moment the doctor told me I was pregnant, I knew I was keeping this baby. I was keeping Elio. Things changed the moment the doctor confirmed my pregnancy, I needed confirmation from a professional ha-ha! Because there was no way I was trusting myself and 3 store bought pregnancy tests! I felt like I have for the very first time got to feel what love felt like; not even past the 1st trimester and Elio was already giving me what I needed to heal. Mind you, it wasn’t all rainbow and cupcakes, I has no idea on how to be a parent to a child. Not knowing all the troubles that were to come being triggered from my childhood, would prevent me on being the best mother I could to my son. I was smart enough to know that I was going to do everything in my power to make sure he didn’t have to go through anything I did. I knew that in order to be a good mom to him I needed to fox and heal myself from within, and that meant digging into my past and facing my inner demons head on. I needed to put in that hard work to break cycles and begin to end the pain caused from intergenerational trauma. I began the journey, changed my ways, started therapy sessions, getting a stable house for us to call home, getting myself into school, cutting out toxic people whether it was friends or family. I was willing to do whatever it took to create a peaceful life for my son. 9 years later and we are thriving. A little sister, a step dad and 2 fur babies added to the mix but none of that would have been possible if I didn’t have Elio. He gave me a family, a sense of belonging. He showed me what love was suppose to feel like. His beautiful smile and his big brown eyes melt my heart. Every time I look at him, I am reminded that I never have to go back to being alone and unloved. Home is where the heart is and my heart is with him

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